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Expert Q&A:
How do I help my 21-month-old, who is jealous of his 4-year-old brother?

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Lawrence Kutner
Answered by Lawrence Kutner Ph.D.
"I'm a clinical psychologist, a consultant, and a journalist," says Lawrence Kutner, "which is a great combination for someone who's nosy."

Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D. (www.drkutner.com), is a nationally known clinical psychologist who trained at the Mayo Clinic. From 1987 to 1994 he wrote the award-winning, weekly New York Times column "Parent &; Child," which was syndicated globally. From 1991 to 1999 he was the child behavior and "Ask the Expert" columnist for Parents magazine. He's also a former talk show host on KGO radio in San Francisco.

He is on the psychiatry faculty of Harvard Medical School and Massachusetts General Hospital, where he is co-director of the Harvard Medical School Center for Mental Health and Media. In addition, he's on the board of advisors to the Rosalynn Carter Mental Health Journalism Fellowship Program at the Carter Center in Atlanta.

Dr. Kutner has been a consultant to the Children's Television Workshop, the Johann Jacobs Foundation (Zurich), the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States, and to major universities and corporations throughout the United States and Europe. He is a frequent guest on national television and radio networks. He received his bachelor's degree from Oberlin College in Ohio and his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Minnesota. His recent books include Parent &; Child: Getting Through to Each Other, Pregnancy and Your Baby's First Year, Toddlers and Preschoolers, Your School-Age Child, Making Sense of Your Teenager, and Grand Theft Childhood: The Surprising Truth About Violent Video Games and What Parents Can Do.

Dr. Kutner is the father of a 18-year-old son as well as a 30-year-old foster son from Romania. He and his family live outside of Boston, Massachusetts.
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Question


When my 4-year-old tries to show me affection, my 21-month-old becomes defensive and tries to bite, pinch, hit, and scratch him. What can I do to help my 21-month-old with his jealousy?

Answer


It sounds pretty normal to me! In fact, it probably means that you have a strong bond with both your children.

Becoming angry with the younger child will only make matters worse. After all, he's concerned that he won't get the affection from you that he craves because you'll give it to his big brother. The only way to show him that isn't true is by doing two things:

1. Stop him from attacking his big brother by keeping them apart when the older one is showing you his affection.

2. Give the younger one some affection at the same time.

In other words, when they're both in the room, hug one in each arm. It also helps if you spend at least a few minutes every day alone with each of your children so that they can have your attention all to themselves.

Once your younger child feels that you'll always be there for him, he'll stop being jealous.

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